After Seppuku - View Single Post

dave · 03-30-2006, 07:46 AM

Hey DC,
I'm going to write notes as I go along....

The transition from paragraphs 2 to 3 is kind of awkward. Paragraph 2 is such an negative outlook upon man that it makes the readers feel that Ylfedra really dislikes men. However, at the begginning of paragraph 3, we quickly find out that it is not completely the truth without explanation or transisiton.

I think it would be better if the sentence looked a little like this:
However, Yfeldra did not consider man completely vile, nor did she feel that these men were evil. Rather, she felt predujiced against them because they were not like the other animals.

All you need to do is provide us with some kind of transition between Yfeldra's "vile men," and her belief that they're not evil.

Other than that, the rest of the story flows rather nicely.
The only other suggestion I have is to remove the last sentence. There is more emotional effect if you leave Ylfredra having passed on and just reflect upon the consequences of man's actions. After all, the purpose of the short story is to drive towards one desired effect, and your purpose, I believe is to caution on disrupting the balance of nature. By ending with the consequences, this concept resonates in your readers' minds. Returning back to Ylfedra's thoughts takes away from this somewhat. Remove the last sentence, and let us sit and think about how the forest would "never be otherwise."
Otherwise, I think you've done a fantastic job.

03-30-2006, 07:46 AM	#3 (permalink)
dave Apprentice Poster + Join Date: Mar 2006 dave is a jewel in the rough.	Hey DC, I'm going to write notes as I go along.... The transition from paragraphs 2 to 3 is kind of awkward. Paragraph 2 is such an negative outlook upon man that it makes the readers feel that Ylfedra really dislikes men. However, at the begginning of paragraph 3, we quickly find out that it is not completely the truth without explanation or transisiton. I think it would be better if the sentence looked a little like this: However, Yfeldra did not consider man completely vile, nor did she feel that these men were evil. Rather, she felt predujiced against them because they were not like the other animals. All you need to do is provide us with some kind of transition between Yfeldra's "vile men," and her belief that they're not evil. Other than that, the rest of the story flows rather nicely. The only other suggestion I have is to remove the last sentence. There is more emotional effect if you leave Ylfredra having passed on and just reflect upon the consequences of man's actions. After all, the purpose of the short story is to drive towards one desired effect, and your purpose, I believe is to caution on disrupting the balance of nature. By ending with the consequences, this concept resonates in your readers' minds. Returning back to Ylfedra's thoughts takes away from this somewhat. Remove the last sentence, and let us sit and think about how the forest would "never be otherwise." Otherwise, I think you've done a fantastic job. Last edited by dave : 03-30-2006 at 07:53 AM.