Raising Children

wIggy · 01-24-2007, 04:51 PM

As I get older, the prospect of family and children grow closer and closer. I am absolutely terrified of being responsible for the physical as well as mental well being of a child in this huge, and wonderful world in which we live. I know that a few of our members here at ASep have children, and what seems a wonderful relationship with them (sp00k's excitement about his daughter's 18th bday, G_man's got his daughter too, Noodles made a comment about what his daughter named the vicious rabbit that chased the humongous snake away was quite sweet as well, and Rhiannon's "princes") I sometimes find myself wondering what is the secret to having such a great relationship with these children that is able to bridge a generation gap, that so many teenagers seem to make look HUGE. Any tips, or special stories concerning this issue is why I've created this thread. I'm always trying to learn more about this so I may be better prepared for a lifetime of happiness with my children whenever he, she or they may arrive.

I have a beautiful relationship with my mother, who has been dealt a difficult hand with us. My father was an alcoholic for my first 10 years on earth before he sobered up, and was unfortunately killed by a drunk driver. She started dating a wonderful man, who had a daughter of his own, who only seemed to appear when it was time for a big purchase (braces as a teen, senior pictures, and then a car at graduation) but unfortunately he too died (this time it was skin cancer) but not before having to see my brother, who he raised as his own son, was killed in a car accident in which he had been drinking and driving (my brother that is, not the stepfather) but my mother has never lost sight of the fact that I still need her as much as I had when I was a child (though not quite as often) Family is so incredibly important to me, and most of you seem to have very happy and prosperous ones. Thank you in advance for your stories, I very much look forward to the funny ones, the sad ones, and the ones in which your patience may have been at its limits.

*G_Man* · 01-24-2007, 05:16 PM

Hey this is easy...

Two things make it all work out, just about no matter what.

First is that when you have a child, remember this. There is only ONE (or more if you have more children of course) person in this WHOLE WORLD you owe anything to. That is your child. No child EVER asked to be born. WE BARE CHILDREN because WE WANT THEM. So, we owe THEM. Period. They do not owe you. They do not have to respect, love or cherish you. You owe it to them to respect, love and cherish them.

I assure you they will return the gift. The parents whose children do not return the gift usually didn't really give the gift of love. They may have done a lot of superficial stuff, etc, but never really loved their children. Love is TIME and WORK. Nothing else. Even with our wives/girlfriends. Love is TIME and WORK. Think about it... That is why a cheap bunch of flowers that you put effort into means a bunch more than expensive jewerly you spent no time picking out and can easily afford, etc...

Which brings me to the Second thing that you need to consider. When your child arrives you have ONE set of goals. Nothing else. Period. That is to give that child Roots and to give that child Wings.

ALL things you do should be to help that child obtain those two things. Period.

I am hardly the perfect parent, but because these two things are nearly always on my mind my mistakes are rare and usually not greatly hurtful. My daughter will be fine and I know it. She loves me and cherishes me and knows I'll always be there for her and protect her. (roots). She is starting to make decisions on her own and to look toward her future now (wings).

blah blah blah...

Now if I could just fine a hot chick before I have grandchildren!!

**Noodles** · 01-24-2007, 08:15 PM

Wiggy I can just you will be a great dad. One thing that is great and continues to grow
is that the child will love you uncondtionally. That will be true as long as the child
believes in you. For you I don't see that being a problem.

Just be yourself, be there in the ways G mentioned. Support their interests when they
develop some. Encourage without enabling. Punish without being cruel. Do not be a softie
when the child acts up. I am amazed at how many parents just let kids on free for
alls and think it is normal or just a phase.

I can tell you were raised well and the bond you have with your mother is proof of that.
She has set excellent examples. Follow those and you will be a great dad.

wIggy · 01-24-2007, 10:20 PM

one of my huge concerns is that the child's mother and I will have different styles, and they may be conflicting. I fear that the raising of the child may damage the marriage.

*G_Man* · 01-24-2007, 10:39 PM

Quoting: wIggy

one of my huge concerns is that the child's mother and I will have different styles, and they may be conflicting. I fear that the raising of the child may damage the marriage.

Well, in honesty that is a risk you take. However, as cliche' as this sounds, if you are good for each other you'll make it and you'll be good parents. My ex-wife and I are night and day on many parental issues. We simply never say the other is wrong directly and preach our own wisdoms. As long as you make it clear to the child that they can have certain choices, neither being totally right or wrong, the child will do alright.

**Sp00k** · 01-25-2007, 10:08 AM

A lot of a childs upbringing is generally instinctive but importantly I think we need to give lots of our time and love to them. Nurture their good points/talents and give them all the encouragement and support in the things they would like to do.

Every child deserves a life of their own to what they want out of it not what you want them to be.
Be firm but fair, I always personally make a point never to raise my voice. A child is so vulnerable and they don't like parents arguing or with raised voices. Keep that away from them at all times.
When they are growing up you'll need an abundance of energy to play with them and its the bonding of the child and parent that generates the love and security.

Spend as much time as humanly possible with them, as when they grow up to be a teenager/adult you'll wonder where the time went.

You'll know what to do when the time comes and the camera will be out for all the right moments, ....baby's first step, first day at school and so on. Cherish every single second you have with them...it soon goes.

Man I'm getting all choked.

My kids are both teenagers now and they do their own thing....hardly ever see them so make the most of it when the time comes.

If you give them your utmost love and support that my friend is far more important than any materialistic thing or money.

Hell I want want invite to the christening.

**Noodles** · 01-25-2007, 02:06 PM

Quoting: wIggy

one of my huge concerns is that the child's mother and I will have different styles, and they may be conflicting. I fear that the raising of the child may damage the marriage.

I am Jewish and married a Catholic girl form a very snall town and the traditional
backrounds were diverse, we took the best of each and used it to our advantage.
When it comes to what couples think is best for the kid in a lot of cases common
sense prevails regardless of diverse backrounds.

Also Spook has some great points in his points.

I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so............

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