"The word ..˜question..™ is derived from the Latin ..˜quarrier..™ (to seek) which is also the root of ..˜quest...™ A creative life is a continued quest, and good questions can be very useful guides. Most useful are open-ended questions; they allow for fresh unanticipated answers to reveal themselves."
-- Source Unknown
Questions hold the power to draw out answers that surprise us. If we are on an inner journey to greater self-knowledge, we must seek to understand unfamiliar parts of ourselves. The most enlightening answers are released by our subconscious minds or by our intuition. Use questions frequently to go exploring.
Try these out:
- What qualities do you find most attractive in others?
- How do you exhibit those same qualities?
- What is your greatest fear? Why do you fear that?
- What message is your body trying to get through to you?
"If we would have new knowledge, we must get a whole world of new questions."
For your beliefs. For I have friends from every spectrum of religion
across the map. My feelings are whatever they need to keep the warmth
of their souls alive. Who am I to say what you need to give you
strength in your day?
By the color of your skin. Your skin, hair or eye color, have nothing
to do with the heart within.
I will not judge you for your wealth. For richer or poorer , you
still have a soul, a heart that nourishes friendships and love.
Nor will I judge you for your age. For we continue to learn no matter
what age we are. Everyone has something to contribute to our lives if
we listen.
Most certainly not for your health. I have seen the weakest of the
weak with the biggest hearts alive. No matter what your health you
still feel, need, love just like everyone else. Everything outside is
but a shell that holds the heart within.
I will not judge you for the company you keep and call friends. Life
is made up of a variety of humanity. What may interest one person may
not interest another. Keeping an open mind to all aspects of life,
leaves no room for judgement here.
There is no judge , who can tell you who your heart belongs to; Who
your partner of choice may be. That is all there is to say on this
subject in a nutshell. Many times in life we don't even have the
choice ourselves when it comes to who our hearts are most fond. I
find no wrong in someones happiness and love.
I will not judge you by the country of your birth or loyalty. There
is a world out there beyond my doors....... why should I shut out the
possiblity that another way of life may be lived by others? They
still bleed, they still hurt and most important of all they still
love.
Nor will I judge you for the job you work, or the lack of work
thereof. As the old saying goes it may be a dirty job, but someone
has to do it (winks) We all make a living in our own way. Living day
to day tends to require a bit of work wouldn't you say?
I will not judge you by the clothes you wear. My wouldn't the world
be boring if we all wore the same clothing, with no personality what
so ever? Be as funky or bland as you desire. Give in to your hearts
content.
I certainly won't judge you for the home you keep. Wither you live in
a tent , or a mansion keep. I see a human being in need of a friend
no matter who you meet.
I'm not a judge, a jury, or anything else that will condemn you. I am
a Friend !!
I accept you as you are. Nothing less , nothing more. In matters of
the heart, I'll keep you close for friendship does NOT judge another.
I hope you found some enjoyment in this......I will NOT judge
another. This is who I am, take it or leave it. Don't expect me to
abandon my opinions or choices because they may not mirror yours. In
the end we are all human beings who can think and choose for
ourselves. If we all followed the simple philosophy of this post,
wouldn't the world be a lot kinder, gentler, loving and forgiving?
For all we could wish, it comes down to those who DO judge. Perhaps
someday we will all agree to disagree in the essence of harmony. Stay
safe and loved !!!
Author Unknown
On a lighter note, was somewhat intriguing for a person like myself with both soft and hard (light and heavy, round and square) addictions. Judith Wright, co-founder of the Wright Institute for Lifelong Learning in Chicago, explains how to recognize and overcome soft addictions like too much TV, shopping, surfing the Net (not Beyond Blue though), or gossiping.
Following are some samples of soft addictions, what underlying hunger they are trying to fill, and suggestions on how to satisfy the hunger in a more fulfilling way. (Beware: some of them ain’t going to work for the hard-core addicts. In fact, you might want to read these with a major grain of salt. They’re good to get you thinking, but I doubt they’ll bring you home.)
Soft Addiction: Watching TV
Hunger: To feel connected
Alternative: Call a friend and go out to a play
Soft Addiction: Surfing the Internet
Hunger: To learn and grow
Alternative: Go to a museum or a lecture on a subject that intrigues you
Soft Addiction: Overwork
Hunger: To matter
Alternative: List the ways you make a difference, and take pride in your contribution
Soft Addiction: Gossiping
Hunger: To connect and to belong
Alternative: Talk about yourself and the person you are with, rather than others
Soft Addiction: Name Dropping
Hunger: To be important
Alternative: Talk about what matters instead of who matters
Soft Addiction: Shopping
Hunger: To feel abundant
Alternative: "Shop" for friends, ideas, possibilities instead of stuff
Thanks to reader Eddie who wrote the following on the message board of my “A Dozen Addiction Zappers” post:
This all sounds good, but when you are as depressed as I am, it sounds just like a bunch people talking crap that ain't true in my world. I'm an alcoholic and I hate AA. I have been through literally 14 AA based treatment programs, countless meetings, sponsors, a 167 page 4th step which I did with one of my sponsors. The Big Book says that many people feel a sense of relief after taking their 5th step. I felt like I did something I really shouldn’t have done. I have been there and done that. Don't tell me I haven't worked the program and please no idiotic AAisms. Just because it works for you don't mean it works for everybody. I can honestly say that I gave the AA program 15 years of my life, and I'm still drinking to this day. Now I don't even try anymore, because it's a waste of time for me (going to meetings, calling the sponsor, etc.). Folks, I want to quit drinking bad, real bad, but AA is not the answer for me and does that mean I have to suffer in my life and die an early death because of it?
Eddie, trust me, I am not an AA knight. I even hesitate writing those two vowels given the eleventh tradition: "Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and film."
I have had my share of issues with the program, one being the fear of God they put into people who think for themselves: "No one is too dumb for the program, but many people are too smart." (However, in hindsight, I sort of understand where they are coming from, because my brain was a real liability the first three years of sobriety, and thinking for myself would have most definitely lead me back to too much vodka.)
At any rate, I no longer take ALL my directions from their book anymore. I believe that I have enough recovery behind me to begin experimenting with my own program, which is based on the wisdom of their steps, as well as the invaluable teachings I have learned from different kinds of mentors along the way (two important ones being my writing mentor, Mike, who has never stepped foot in an AA meeting, and my guardian angel, Ann, who has taught me the basics of how to survive depression).
So listen, I’m all for creating your own program—whatever works for you!
I thought you might be interested in the following article “Many Roads to Recovery,” written by Dan Wakefield. He mentions several alternatives to AA as ways to stopping alcohol abuse.
And please know that I don’t judge you in anyway. We’re all just doing the best we can to find our way, a chunk of peace and serenity in this world.
I never went to Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), but 20 years ago I underwent a lifestyle change that involved an exercise and diet program (lowering my resting pulse rate from a rocketing 120 to a healthy 60 that I've maintained ever since), and a return to church and a spiritual path. From a daily dependence on alcohol that periodically turned into binge drinking, I went for long periods of abstinence to times when I have a glass of wine with dinner or at a social function or celebration.
My friends in A.A. still refer to me as an alcoholic, since I've never done the 12-step program and still sometimes have that glass of wine.
One evening over dinner, I asked one of those friends if she'd mind not calling me an alcoholic, explaining that isn't how I define myself. I quoted the definition of alcoholism from my American Heritage Dictionary: "the excessive and habitual consumption of alcohol."
My friend wasn't comfortable with that definition and suggested we call a doctor to get a "medical definition." I said the dictionary definition was good enough for me, and if she saw it differently that was fine too; I simply wished she'd stop calling me an alcoholic. She suddenly said, "Screw it," picked up her purse and books, and stormed out of the restaurant.
One of the drinking buddies of my boozing days is an Irish fellow who also stopped drinking 20 years ago and has never had a drop since though he never asked for the help of AA, therapy, religion, or any self-help or spiritual programs. His friends in AA lament that he is, nevertheless, what they call "a dry drunk."
In my non-AA layperson's view, a "drunk" who doesn't drink is a contradiction in terms.
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
I am addicted to providing pleasure. Not even sex itself provides me as much satisfaction as driving a woman beyond what she believed were the upper limits of her orgasmic ecstacy. It's a huge adrenaline rush.
Today would have been a good day for me to wear the t-shirt that says, "I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look good
either."
As I progress in my recovery, I am a choosier shopper when it comes to friendships--I can now recognize when I’m being treated unfairly, or without respect, and I don’t feel as much need to stick around just to prevent causing waves. Nor can I afford to share myself with everyone who comes along. That’s too dangerous and wearing--with pieces of your soul left out to dry on too many doormats--not to mention impossible (like the saying goes: you can please everyone some of the time, and some people all the time, but not everyone all of the time). I need to surround myself with people who are working just as hard as I am at staying well and positive, resisting the plethora of opportunities to turn to the Dark Side and talk trash and gloom.
I feel much like Anne Morrow Lindbergh, who wrote in "Gift From the Sea," "I shall ask into my shell only those friends with whom I can be completely honest. What a rest that will be! The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere."
However, even as I’m beginning to know what I need and want, saying no and erecting the proper boundaries to get there still feel as uncomfortable and awkward as wearing a too-big wetsuit backwards.
I say that because I ran into my friend Fran (for the first time since I abruptly ended our friendship in a phone call) on the same day that I tried out a wetsuit I bought online (the frugal side of my brain handcuffed the logical part, and decided that buying a used wetsuit off eBay for my triathlon was the way to go).
"So, how do you think it fits?" I asked a bunch of competitive swimmers--some who had swum the width of the Chesapeake Bay--at the Naval Academy pool, where I was about to test the fit and buoyancy of my Internet bargain.
"Well, I can’t really tell when you wear it backwards," one the guys said. "Turn it around and then try it out in the water. You’ll know immediately if it’s too big because it will draw in water, and basically sink you. If it fits right, or even if it’s a bit snug, you will love the thing as it will help you sail along."
After I put the thing on the right way and dove in, I knew after two strokes that I had just wasted $50. (Eric was right again, dang it.) Two lengths of the pool consumed the energy of about 30 laps. This eBay treasure felt all wrong...cumbersome, bulky, restricting...the way it feels for this stage-four people-pleaser to erect necessary boundaries in some of her relationships.
After seeing Fran for the first time in over six months, I knew that breaking off that tight bond was absolutely the right thing to do (hey, there’s progress!)--in my mind, there was no explaining away the breach of trust that I was very hurt by or rationalizing the self-destructive behavior.
But like all relationships, there was a lot of good there that I had to let go of--hanging out downtown or at the parks or museums while our kids beat up each other in Batman and Spider-Man suits. And for those fun times, I wanted to gloss over what went wrong.
In many ways, it felt like my bad breakup with my college boyfriend. I tried to talk myself into keeping him around--because there were so many wonderful and decent things about the relationship. But my gut kept on reminding me about that fundamental rift in values, a nagging that tugged at my conscience.
Like Anne Morrow Lindbergh said, it’s about being sincere--which means hanging out with people who respect me in the same way that I respect them, and sharing meals with girlfriends and couples who motivate you to be better people.
Yes. All that makes sense. But God was it uncomfortable today abiding by the boundary I built last winter. My mouth opened to apologize, and say, "Let’s just forget about it, and go on." But I closed it before the regret snuck out. I searched for words. Finally, "How are you?" came out.
The two-second conversation was as stiff and difficult and unpleasant as swimming in that oversized wetsuit. My head was buried somewhere in the chest seams with all the chlorinated water trapped in the suit, bringing me down.
But if I keep on practicing my boundary-building skills, one day I will find that, like a wetsuit that fits perfectly, I am staying buoyant with little effort of my own. The boundaries will assist me in conserving energy for the things I love--moving swiftly and freely in fresh water--all the while protecting me from the nasty jelly fish and the chilling temperatures of the bay (or a bad relationship).
One day I will intuitively know how to say no, and not feel guilty. Okay that’s a stretch. One day my guilt in erecting a boundary will last one day (maybe even a few hours), not the sixth months (or more) it does now.
Moreover, this afternoon I took a baby step toward becoming a more sincere person. And even in its awkwardness, that feels good.
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
I was relieved to know that there are quite a few recovering people-pleasers among our readers here on Beyond Blue. Among the messages posted on my "People-Pleasing: Today Is Not Your Day" post were these gems:
I was just thinking earlier today, I wish there were a little handbook on boundaries that I could hand out to people who come in to where I work. Sometimes they are searching and I don't want to engage beyond what I am able and what is appropriate for my work, but I wish I had something to hand them to take home with them. I'm working on my own boundaries ALL the time and it's obvious many people don't have any idea there is such a thing. Then, here you are with these words of wisdom that I needed in my own life regarding men who are nice in many ways, but would be a load for me to carry. It's tempting when I would really like to have a partner and have been single a very long time after a divorce. Thank you for the reality reminder! --Gloria I was a people pleaser all my life until it almost killed me literally. I was 95% of the time rushing around doing what others wanted me to do ever since I was in grade school. Three years ago I got really sick. Physically and emotionally down. I could hardly get up to get my personal hygene done. Praying, praying and more praying is all i could do while laying on the couch waiting for my soul to leave my body. One day it dawned on me that the telephone had stopped ringing and nobody was at my door. That was due to the fact that I was too physically and emotionally drained to be useful to anyone. I thanked God for that realization. It took a long haul to get back where i'm at now. I thank God for my husband's and son's patience with me thru the painful recovery. The phone is ringing again and there are a few at the door, but I have finally learned to say "NO,NO, NO, I've got things to do and for the people who did for me when I couldn't do for myself". I've found myself to be happier, I feel lighter, it's inexplicable how I feel. I think i've finally found joy by pleasing myself first, for now I have time for my family too. --Virginia
I fully understand the inner turmoil everyone has felt. I had a "so-call" friend for almost ten years and as a people-pleaser, I didn't even realize letting this or any friend go was an option. Intimate relationships were different and I've had my share of the wrong ones, but it never crossed my mind that a platonic friendship could cause so much grief. Friends weren't suppose to treat friends with disrespect and disregard. When I finally figured it out that I needed to cut the cord, I felt like the bad friend. And then something amazing happened, I began trusting myself and I felt more and more energy. I fully believe toxic people in our lives block the natural flow of energy and harmony in our lives. I wish her well but I will no longer surround myself with energy vampires! --Mac
At this point in my life [58] I've found I have no choice but to do something about my people pleasing ways, because the exhaustion of pleasing and doing for everyone has left me with an angry attitude. I'm working on adjusting that bad attitude with the boundry setting you mention. I've also began creating more serene atmosphere in my bedroom so that when I'm in there I will be able to truly rest, refresh and recenter myself. It's a start I wish I'd taken years ago. --Soul Sister
Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.
Christopher Columbus needed courage. So did Lance Armstrong when he defeated cancer and captured the Tour de France in 1999. History is littered with courageous acts and courageous people.
You don't have to be a world-class explorer or professional cyclist to have courage. Everybody needs it, but how do you get it, especially when you're like the lion before he discovered the Wizard of Oz?
As the lion had to learn, courage exists inside of you. You just have to dredge it up after years of burying it behind your safety zones.
The Inborn Courage in You
Everyone was born with courage. You may not remember learning how to walk, but you know you fell hundreds of times before you stood on your own. Learning to walk took courage. And you succeeded because you had little fear or doubt.
Eventually, that changed. Parents and other caregivers told you to be careful, to avoid dangers. Society, after all, values comfort over fulfillment. "We've been exposed to a barrage of messages that discourage us from being courageous," says Harold Bloomfield, MD, a Yale-trained psychiatrist and author of Making Peace With Your Past.
Your Adversity Quotient
As you grew up, you patterned your response to adversity on how people around you responded to difficulty. Paul G. Stoltz, PhD, president/CEO of Peak Learning International and author of Adversity Quotient, defines this reaction to adversity as the adversity quotient (AQ).
As a baby, your AQ is untested. By the time you're 12, thanks to your environment and situations you've faced, you've developed your AQ. "The higher your AQ," Stoltz says, "the better you're able to summon courage and tap your greatness in times of need."
Fortunately, your AQ can be strengthened.
Courage as a Necessity
Why do you need courage? Because courage will help you live your life the way you want. "Courage is learning to overcome fear," says Dr. Bloomfield, "and when you do that, you grow."
Today, courage is needed more than ever before. In polls that Stoltz conducted, 98% of people predicted more difficulty, chaos and uncertainty in their lives in the future. Stoltz says that 10 years ago, the average number of challenges people faced in a day was seven. Today, that number has risen to 23.
Linda Larsen, author of True Power, knows firsthand the power of courage. Over 20 years ago, she was kidnapped, raped and held hostage for over five hours. She summoned courage she didn't know she had and escaped. "My courage didn't let me down," she says. "Once you know courage is always in you, you can start learning to act more courageously in life."
Obstacles to Becoming Braver
There are, though, things that stand between you and your courageous self. Dr. Bloomfield lists the following obstacles:
Fear of change. Learning how to be less controlled by your fears is one key to becoming more courageous.
Either-or-thinking. You may think of yourself as a wimp and others as courageous, but there has to be a middle ground. You can live in a comfort zone, but you have to be willing to be courageous when it counts.
Fear of failure. Failure is an important part of success, and being courageous involves being willing to fail at times.
Lack of faith. Identify your self doubt so that you can act more courageously.
Personal fears. These are fears such as fear of taking responsibility for your life; fear of self-discovery; fear of losing control; fear of moving forward; and fear of making the wrong decision. Know that you are bigger than your fears. Follow your instincts, and if doubts emerge, shove them aside.
Finding Courage in Times of Need
Stoltz says you draw courage from what matters to you. "The changes you're willing to make are the ones that have the greatest significance," he says. For example, if you've been offered a job that will force you to move across the country but you don't care about the job, you'll have a hard time finding courage to make the move.
Once you've decided what matters, then follow these suggestions for becoming more courageous.
Recall previous times when you acted courageously. Did you move as a child and have to make new friends? Did you go away to college? "Focusing on times when you acted courageously will instill more courage in you," Larsen says, adding that you should also applaud yourself for showing courage.
Shift your focus. Don't worry about failing or disappointing other people, Larsen says. Worry instead about failing yourself.
Eliminate the words "wish," "hope" and "maybe" from your vocabulary. "These words erode your courage by filling you with doubt, fear or hesitation," says Dr. Bloomfield.
Do your homework. If appropriate, know the obstacles you might encounter. Talk with other people who were once in your shoes. But remember that no matter how much you analyze the situation, you'll still have unknown answers. "Courage doesn't mean waiting to act until you have no fear," explains Dr. Bloomfield. "Courage means living with heart and doing what you want when you're scared."
Surround yourself with courageous people, Larsen says. There will always be people who say never. Find people who support and believe in you.
Imagine what life will be like when your challenge has passed. "Courage can come from seeing past adversity and knowing that although it may be horrible now, it'll get better sometime," Stoltz says.
Give it your all but don't expect perfection, says Dr. Bloomfield. Don't give only 50%; then you can say later that you didn't succeed because you weren't trying that hard. To find courage, you must be willing to give 100%.
Once you've acted with courage, assess your response, Larsen says. Did acting with courage move you forward? If not, figure out how you would behave differently next time. If so, then bottle that courage, reward yourself, and always remember this time when you acted with courage in spite of your fears.
How Jon Byington faced down depression and suicide and turned to help others.
If an adult had described me a couple of years back, he or she would have said, "Jon is very mature for his age; he's responsible; he's dependable. He's the Eagle Scout who chairs the Eureka City Youth Council, an advisory board to the Eureka, California, City Council."
What they could not know was how depressed I was. In spring 1997, a personal problem seemed overwhelming. I can hardly describe the sadness. I stayed in my room and cried. I did the whole guy thing, thinking, "I can deal with this on my own; I don't need to share my feelings with others." I didn't talk to my family; I just cut off communication with the world. I wasn't interested in hanging out with my friends. After school, I would come home, go up to my room, and sleep for hours.
Depression is described as having blinders on, where you can't see the positive things in life. Once you're depressed about something, everything else is going to make you more depressed--even things that normally wouldn't get to you. It's a downward spiral. So it wasn't surprising that suicidal thoughts crossed my mind. I just wanted to end the pain.
I needed to talk to someone and get help. But I just couldn't--my problem was too personal to share. As hard as I tried, I couldn't make the intense pain go away. I was feeling worse each day, not better. Searching the web, I found a suicide prevention program called the Yellow Ribbon Program. I decided to e-mail them for more information.
That e-mail changed my life. The founders of the Light for Life Foundation, Dale and Dar Emme, started the Yellow Ribbon Program after their son, Michael, committed suicide. When I spoke with Dale, he told me of his son's death and how, through his program, he wanted to help other teens find a way to control their pain, not end their pain. I heard the passion in his voice when he told me about the Yellow Ribbon card.
The front has a yellow ribbon on it. The card reads: "THIS RIBBON IS A LIFELINE. It carries the message that there are those who care and will help! If you are in need and don't know how to ask for help, take this card to a counselor, teacher, clergy, parent or friend and say: 'I NEED TO USE MY YELLOW RIBBON.'"
The back of the card reads: "THIS CARD IS A CRY FOR HELP! STAY with the person--you are their lifeline! LISTEN, really listen--they may not be able to tell. GET them to or call someone who can help!"
I knew the community needed the program. Dale sent me information. I read through the materials and began to plan the proposal I was going to make to the Youth Council. I began to feel better. All of the negative energy, all of the things I'd built up inside of me, seemed to be diminishing. I was making something positive out of the sadness I'd been feeling.
In September 1997, I went to the Youth Council with the idea, and they were all supportive. We decided to plan a youth suicide prevention week during February 1998.
One morning in December, everything changed. I was sitting in my early-morning church class I go to before school, and our teacher said, "I have some news to tell you. Last night, Ricky Moses killed himself."
I just sat there in shock. It didn't really register at first. I didn't see him the day before, but everyone said he'd acted normal--just his regular self.
Ricky and I had gone to school together since elementary school. I thought about all of the different activities we had been involved in together through our church. I cried for Ricky. I wish I had known how much pain he was in. Maybe I could have helped him.
Here we were, planning the Yellow Ribbon Program for suicide prevention, and in the same week that we were scheduled to meet with counselors to discuss the details, Ricky took his life.
Even though my own depression was better, Ricky's death deeply affected me. I needed to talk with someone and went to a counselor a couple of times after Ricky's suicide.
Then, with friends, I started working on the Yellow Ribbon Program as a way to fight my depression over Ricky's death. Now, unfortunately, we knew firsthand how badly our students needed this program. We needed to get the cards out as soon as possible.
A local oral surgeon who was very active in the community, Dr. Richard Rog, gave us $250 to print the first cards. We put a local crisis center number on it, and the card reads, "In loving memory of Ricky Moses."
At the same time, the school counselors changed their minds. They felt there was too much pain after Ricky's death and said if there was going to be an assembly, it needed to be an uplifting one. At the Youth Council, we were so angry. Our friend had just killed himself, and we were told we could not help everyone else.
Since there was no way to work around the policy, we made them commit to a suicide prevention week the third week in September 1998. We decided that if we had to wait, we were going to use the time to involve every high school in our county.
And that's what we did. I sent letters to every public, private, and alternative high school. At first, most school administrators said, "It hasn't happened here. That's not a problem in the community. If you start talking about suicide, it's just going to give people ideas."
Not true. If you know about depression and know someone who's depressed, you know suicide has already crossed his or her mind. You're not going to be giving them any ideas; you're just letting them know you care about them. If they are thinking about
Explore with questions
Addiction: What you need to know
People pleasures :Need to know
Re: People pleasures :Need to know
Discovering the courage Within
Christopher Columbus needed courage. So did Lance Armstrong when he defeated cancer and captured the Tour de France in 1999. History is littered with courageous acts and courageous people.
The Courage to Live