Quickies

**Sp00k** · 08-10-2007, 11:12 AM

A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans. I went out and bought a convertible - she bleached her hair.
I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots - she had a face lift" "
I got an implant - she got a a "tummy tuck.

That's the way its been for the two of us: side by side -- growing young together.

**Noodles** · 08-10-2007, 03:29 PM

That is half of Metro Los Angeles.

NightFaery · 08-12-2007, 11:18 PM

weird

**Sp00k** · 08-21-2007, 03:24 AM

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

Deja Moo: �The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

**Sp00k** · 09-17-2007, 06:25 AM

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a Rottweiler?

Eventually the Rottweiler lets go!

A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?"
The student shyly replied, "Ma'am, in the motels, NITRATES are higher than day rates!"

Two arrogrant bastards talking:
Bastard 1: My dog is really smart. Every morning, he picks up the newspaper and brings it to me.
Bastard 2: I know.
Bastard 1: How'd you know?
Bastard 2: My dog told me about it.

Josh: How did your assignment go?
Ricardo: Badly. I wasn't able to answer anything. I submitted a blank paper.
Josh: Oh my God! What're we gonna do? The teacher might suspect we copied from each other!

Toto: My dream is to earn as much as $25,000 monthly like my daddy.
Juvy: Wow! Is that really how much your dad makes?
Toto: Nope, that's also his dream.

Doc: You only have so much time to live.
Juan: Is there really no hope for me? What should I do?
Doc: I advise you to marry an ugly nagger.
Juan: Will that help?
Doc: Not really, but you'll be wishing to die more than live.

Lito: Dude, what's the difference between H2O and CO2?
Joseph: H2O is hot water. CO2 is cold water.

Two kids bragging:
Junjun: My dad's the best. You know the Pacific Ocean? He dug it!
Pedrito: That's no match for my dad. Do you know the Dead Sea?
Junjun: Yeah, what about it?
Pedrito: My dad killed it.

Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.

Advantage and disadvantage of being married...
ADVANTAGE: When you need him/her, your spouse is just there.
DISADVANTAGE: When you don't need him/her anymore, your spouse is still there.

Question: What is the difference among a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Answer: Post-paid, pre-paid, unlimited.

Husband goes home at 4 AM only to find his wife in bed with another man...
Wife (screaming): Where have you been all night?!?!
Husband: What the fu--! Who's that you're screwing?
Wife: You're really full of it! Don't you dare change the subject!

Mom: Baby, you're good in math. Now, I'm going to ask you a question.
Baby: Sure, mom.
Mom: If your daddy gives you 3 apples and I give you 4 apples, what'll be the answer?
Baby: Thank you!

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder.
Driver screams: WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Passenger: Why'd you scream?
Driver: Sorry, boss, I'm just new at this taxi-driving. I've been a funeral car driver for 25 years.

Girl: Doc, we're here for our check up.
Doc: OK, take off your panties and bra then lie down there.
Girl: It's not me. It's my grandma.
Doc: OK, grandma. Sit down, take a deep breath and I'll run my stethoscope over.

**Sp00k** · 09-21-2007, 05:21 AM

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

NEWSOME · 09-21-2007, 06:10 AM

Quoting: Sp00k

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia " (Charles Schultz)

*Lisey* · 09-21-2007, 06:19 AM

Quoting: Sp00k

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

Guess my jogging is pointless!

"A fool always finds a greater fool to admire him" Alexander Pope

**Sp00k** · 09-21-2007, 06:23 AM

No you carry on...I like to watch.

**Sp00k** · 09-22-2007, 06:47 AM

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

NEWSOME · 09-22-2007, 04:00 PM

Quoting: Sp00k

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

cheaters never win- but they do have more fun doing it,

If at first you don't succeed cheat!

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia " (Charles Schultz)

**Sp00k** · 09-23-2007, 06:09 AM

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first."
The case was closed for lack of evidence.

**Sp00k** · 09-26-2007, 03:02 AM

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

AND

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A Monkey eating cherries.