Quickies

Noodles

Noodles

Whats the definition of macho?


Jogging home from a vasectomy.

Noodles

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Sp00k

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Sparky_MarkyUK

Ok, time for you all to moan, I'm joining in



I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in the Customs Office.

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be sh*tting herself.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...

I got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

"Employee of the month" is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".


Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Sp00k

Noodles

Sp00k

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?

You get your wife and your job back.


What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?

A religious movement!

Sp00k

Q. What do you do when a Rottweiler gets amorous on your leg?
A. Fake an orgasm

Noodles

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

One snowman says to another 'Do you smell carrots?'

One lesbian frog looks to the other lesbian frog and says "it's true, we really do taste like chicken".

Two condoms were walking by a Gay bar one said to the other Hey! wanna get shit faced?

Sp00k

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy

Noodles