Funny Quotes

**Sp00k** · 05-10-2007, 01:02 AM

Don't hit a man with glasses... hit him with a baseball bat

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

Joe E Lewis.

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Red Buttons

Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

* If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the
fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

I spilt spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
- Steven Wright

"I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me... in fact the last thing he ever said... he said 'Paul, give me back my pills'..."
-- Paul McDermott, DAAS "Dead and Alive"

The nice thing about being senile is -- your always meeting new people

**Noodles** · 05-10-2007, 10:01 PM

Those are great.

**Sp00k** · 05-11-2007, 01:49 AM

Life is too short for grief. Or regret. Or bullshit.

- Edward Abbey

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.

Hunter S. Thompson

Teenaged girls use make-up to feel older sooner. Their mothers use make-up to feel younger longer.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator...It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

**Noodles** · 05-11-2007, 11:16 AM

Hunter S Thompson always cracked me up.

**Sp00k** · 05-12-2007, 06:35 AM

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m. - Unknown

NightFaery · 05-16-2007, 06:49 PM

Thank you Spook for the ultimate laugh riot.

**Sp00k** · 05-19-2007, 02:32 AM

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

**Sp00k** · 05-19-2007, 02:32 AM

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

Fulton Sheen.

NightFaery · 05-21-2007, 08:55 PM

I love the stuff you come up with!

**Sp00k** · 05-25-2007, 09:07 AM

"... beyond a shadow of a doubt... who has seen doubt cast a shadow? Bull elephant seals cast shadows... beyond the shadow of a bull elephant seal..." -- Flacco, DAAS Kapital

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. - Henny Youngman

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

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A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say How to Build a Boat - Steven Wright

"Living in a vacuum sucks." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live

Sparky_MarkyUK · 05-25-2007, 10:04 AM

Quoting: Sp00k

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say How to Build a Boat - Steven Wright

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey, Saturday Night Live

Those two had me in stitches

**Noodles** · 05-25-2007, 06:54 PM

The Jack Handey quotes are great. I am going to dig some up.

**Sp00k** · 05-28-2007, 02:52 AM

The plane was so fast that it took off from Los Angeles with two rabbits and landed in New York with two rabbits. -Joey Adams

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield

When the legislature decides the rules of buying and selling, the first thing to be bought will be the legislators.

- P. J. O'Rourke

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton