Funny Poems

**Nightmare** · 05-02-2006, 07:40 PM

Post your funny poems here ..

**Nightmare** · 05-02-2006, 08:44 PM

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash wont be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask how big's my behind?-
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the den, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the Shit Head you sent me instead!!!
Amen

~author unknown~

**Nightmare** · 05-02-2006, 09:13 PM

Hearts and roses and kisses galore,
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass,
Before I shove something up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Cause I think this love thing is a crock of shit.
So, here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass... F**k Valentines Day!!

~author unknown~

**Nightmare** · 05-02-2006, 09:17 PM

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen

~author unknown~

**Sp00k** · 05-03-2006, 03:24 AM

Computer Confusion

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.

Author Unknown

**Nightmare** · 05-06-2006, 07:29 PM

You could hardly see for all the snow,
So you spread the rabbit ears as far as they'd go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good night David, Good night Chet"
Depending on the channel you
tuned,
You'd get Rob and Laura or Ward and June,
Andy Griffith and Barney Fife,
Lawrence Welk or This is Your Life.
I Love Lucy and The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys.
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train.
Superman and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best and Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too.
Donna Reed on Thursday night,
Life looked better in black and white
They were simple folks living a simple
life,
Where everything always turned out
right.

The good guys always won the fight.
I wanna' go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, in their own bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke a vow,
They'd never make the network now.
Nowadays nothing's the way it seems
In living color or on the screens.
The good guys don't always win the
fight,

Life doesn't always turn out right.
If only I could, I'd rather be
In a TV world of '63.
It felt so good, it felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the
satellite,

If I could just turn back the clock
tonight.

To when everybody knew wrong from
right.
Life was better in black and white!

~author unknown to me ~

**Nightmare** · 05-06-2006, 08:05 PM

A TRUE FRIEND
For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a
touch of reality.
When you are sad ... ...
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue ... ...
I'll try to dislodge what ever is choking you.
When you smile ... ...
I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared ... ...
I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried ... ...
I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and tell you to quit
whining.
When you are confused ... ...
I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
When you are sick ... ...
Stay the hell away from me until you're well
again, I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall ... ...
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ... ...
I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? ......
Because you're my friend.

**Nightmare** · 05-06-2006, 09:09 PM

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love for you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He has never made you cry
Or hurt you In any way
Oh, screw this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay

~author unknown~

**Nightmare** · 09-02-2006, 09:04 PM

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.
Bless the walls where termites dine
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Mississippi, Lord, you've put them all!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.

Rhiannon · 09-06-2006, 06:45 PM

This is a toast that a beloved member of my family used to make when she was really toasted....

Here's to the bull who roamed the woods
And did the heafers alot of good
If it weren't for him
And his big rod
There wouldn't be meat today
By God.

**Sp00k** · 09-17-2007, 06:29 AM

Mary had a little skirt
Split right up the sides,
And every time she wore that skirt
The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt
Split right up the front
But she never wore that one ...

**Nightmare** · 10-14-2007, 11:56 AM

A fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget...
Sweet old farts like you